43 Perfectly Diagnosed Medical Jokes
What did the doctor tell the woman who broke her arm in two places?
Stop going to those places.
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste, mostly.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has to really want to be changed.
What time is your dentist appointment?
Tooth-hurty
Did you hear about the woman who was diagnosed with color-blindness?
The diagnosis surprised her. It really came right out of the purple.
Why did the math book so to a therapist?
It had a lot of problems.
Did you hear about the man who got a brain transplant?
He wasn’t going to do it, but then he changed his mind.
Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?
Yes, if you throw it hard enough.
Why is it dangerous to get two medical professionals together?
Because then you might have a paradox.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Why did the pediatrician lose his temper?
Because he had very little patients.
Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
Did you hear about the woman who went into labor, shouting, “Couldn’t! Wouldn’t! Shouldn’t!”?
She was having contractions.
Why do nurses prefer red crayons?
Because they often have to draw blood.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes six visits.
What kind of music do chiropractors like?
Hip pop.
What do you call a pounding headache?
A temple tantrum.
What does a pig put on a sunburn?
Oinkment.
What sickness is caused by eating Christmas trees?
Tinselitis.
Why did the accountant commit herself to a mental hospital?
She started hearing invoices in her head.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peek-a-boo accident?
To the I.C.U.
What did the helpless T cell say when facing the infection?
Is there antibody out there?
Did you hear about the little boy who went to the hospital after eating fifteen toy horses?
It's ok. He's in stable condition.
Why is it prudent to keep away from dermatologists?
They make rash decisions.
How did the man describe the symptoms when asked about his hearing loss?
It's a funny animated show about yellow people.
Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor because he heard a constant buzzing sound?
Turns out there was a bug going around.
Did you hear about the surgeon who was tasked with emergency surgery on an insect?
He did it on the fly.
What do you tell someone who won't go get stitches?
Suture self.
What do you tell a doctor who gives you a painless injection?
Good jab.
Why can it be a problem when physicians deliver a baby?
A baby needs its liver to survive.
What do you call a hippopotamus who rejects modern medicine until he's deathly ill?
Hippo critical.
Where do you take a sick horse?
To a horspital.
What do you do with a sick chemist?
If you can’t helium and you can’t curium, you may have to barium.
Where does a sailor go for vision problems?
He goes to the aye, aye doctor.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
If you mash potatoes you don't need to call a doctor.
What do you give a man that has everything?
Strong antibotics.
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Is it one...or two? One...or two?
What's green, itchy, and administered by evil doctors?
Poison IV.
How do fish get to the hospital?
In a clam-bulance.
Why are helium, curium, and barium the three main medical elements?
If you can't curium or helium, you barium.
Why doesn't the invisible man go to the hospital?
The doctors won't see him.