Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
The teacher woke him up.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
How did the wife know her husband was stealing from his job building roads?
She walked into their garage and all the signs were there.
Why did the police charge the child for refusing a nap?
The child was resisting a rest.
Why did the man say when he was arrested for stealing encyclopedias?
He said, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Why can't you explain puns to thieves?
They always take things... literally.
Why did the woman think her calendar was trying to kill her?
Her days were numbered.
What do you say to the person who stole your bed?
I won't rest until I find you.
Why did the burglar crawl into his own window?
He was working from home that day.
What do you call a prison joke that isn’t funny?
A sentence.
Why did the picture go to jail?
It was framed, I tell ya!
How did the toilet thief get away?
Police had nothing to go on.
Did you hear about the poor man who was attacked by a mime?
He endured unspeakable things.
Did you hear about the pun that walked into a room and killed ten people?
Pun in, ten dead.
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
How can you find out what killed a cute kitten?
Perform an Awwww-topsy.
Why was the man smiling when all of his lamps were stolen?
He was delighted.
Did you hear about the guy who tried to get a bunch of crows together?
He was arrested for attempted murder.
What happened after David had his ID stolen?
We had to call him Dav.
What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the steps?
A condescending con descending.
What do you say to the person who stole your dictionary?
I have no words.
What made the great carrot detective so famous?
He could get to the root of the case.
Who does sketches for the police?
A con artist.
What do you call a trespassing camper?
Criminal intent.
Did you hear about the guy convicted of killing another man with sandpaper?
He only intended to rough him up a bit.
The difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Did you hear the one about the shepherd who drove his flock back and forth through town?
He was given a ticket for making an illegal ewe turn.
Did you hear about the criminals who became friends when the warden mixed up their prison files?
The were so close that from then on they finished each others' sentences.
Did you hear about someone drilling a hole in the nudist colony fence?
Police are actively looking into it.
Why can't eagles mate with eels?
That's eel eagle.
Whats the problem with tainted money?
It taint yours and it taint mine.
How might your OCD land you in jail?
Organized Crime.
Have you heard about the sensitive burglar?
He takes things personally.
What do you call a pig thief?
A ham burglar.
Why did police give up investigating the cement factory robbery?
There wasn’t any concrete evidence.
How do you kill a doofus?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Why did the outlaw want to tie his own noose?
He knew he was getting the hang of it.
What is the difference between a thief and a church bell?
One steals from the people the other peals from the steeple.
What are the pigs warned to be wary of in New York?
Pork pockets.
Justice is a dish best served cold. Why?
If it were served warm, it would be just water.
Where does light go to jail?
In a maximum security prism.
What did the police find at the scene of the aquarium accident?
Squid marks.
Did you hear about the prison that held a fancy golf tournament?
There were pros and cons.
How do police identify the prime suspect in a cat burglary?
They look for the purr-petrator.
What do you call a chemist with fake breasts dressed as a clown in jail?
Silicon.
Who held the baby octopus for ransom?
Squidnappers.
Why shouldn't you buy shoes from a drug dealer?
Because you don't know what he laced them with, and you could be tripping all day.
Why did the pigeon get thrown in federal prison?
He was staging a coo.
Why can't guilt or innocence be legally determined by cats?
Too much risk of purrjury.
Why did the smoothie get arrested?
He got mixed up with a few bad apples.
What do you say to someone who steals your anti-depressants?
I hope you're happy.
What is a prisoner's favorite punctuation mark?
A period. It's the most common way to end a sentence.
Where does bad light end up?
It's sent to prism.
When do police get called to the rabbit salon?
When someone is having a bad hare day.
What do you call it when a group of ghosts rob a bank?
A polterheist.