Did you hear about the satellite dishes who got married?
The ceremony was dull, but the reception was amazing.
What happened to the husband who accidentally gave his wife a glue stick instead of her lip stick?
She still isn't talking to him.
What did the wife say when her husband replaced their bed with a trampoline?
She really hit the ceiling.
Why did the melons have a big wedding ceremony?
Because they cantaloupe.
Where did the hippie find a wife?
Mississippi.
What did Venus say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime.
What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day?
It was loaf at first sight.
Why don't people have weddings in the winter?
They're worried about someone getting cold feet.
What did everyone say when Oxygen and Magnesium got married?
They were like, OMg!
The difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
What did the chef give to his wife on Valentine’s Day?
Just a little quiche.
What did one side of the toast say to the other?
You're my butter half.
What did the farmer give his wife for Valentine's Day?
He gave her a great big hog.
How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
It gave her a ring.
Why did the farmer's wife leave him?
He was always picking up chicks.
Why was that man twisting the wedding ring on his finger?
He was trying to figure out the combination.
What did the husband tell his wife when he found the letters she was hiding, and realized she was cheating?
He said, "I'm never playing Scrabble with you again."
Why should you never laugh at your spouse’s choices?
You're one of them.
How are relationships like algebra?
Because you look at an X and wonder Y.
What does a spider bride wear?
A webbing dress.
How do you find out if your significant other loves you as much as your dog does?
Lock both in the trunk of your car for an hour and see who's happier to see you afterward.
When is it a bad thing to meet your wife on a vacation?
When you told her you were traveling for business.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
A husband is less likely to get killed by an iron for yelling "Iron Man" at home.
What's the best way to get over someone who's broken your heart.
A steamroller.
How do foxes turn into hippos?
They get married.
What's the worst thing your spouse can say while you are making love?
Honey, I'm home!
What did the man think when his wife cheated on him with their deaf neighbor.
Honestly, he thought he should have seen the signs.
Why was the retiree’s wife tired?
She got twice as much husband for half the pay.
How did the wife know her husband was stealing from his job building roads?
She walked into their garage and all the signs were there.