At the library, where can you find books on paranoia?
Probably right behind you.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
Did you hear about the dyslexic man who wanted to create beautiful poetry?
He made three vases and a bowl.
Did you hear about the girl who lost her mood ring?
She didn't know how to feel about it.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb has to really want to be changed.
Why was the zombie stressed at work?
His project had a really tight undeadline.
Why did the math book so to a therapist?
It had a lot of problems.
Why can't you trust a Spanish train?
It may have a loco motive.
Why are skeletons so afraid of everything?
They don’t have any guts.
Why are penguins socially awkward?
Because they can’t break the ice.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
Claustrophobic.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
Why did the ghost go to rehab?
To get himself off of the boos.
Where can you find a book on paranoia?
It’s probably right behind you.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He needed some space.
What do you call a sad coffee?
Depresso.
How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What does it matter? It’s just going to go out again anyway.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colors?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Why did the accountant commit herself to a mental hospital?
She started hearing invoices in her head.
Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
Why are blood cells depressed?
They live half their lives in vein.
How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb?
Wait. Why? Who wants to know?
Why did Van Gogh devote himself to painting?
He didn't have an ear for music.
How might your OCD land you in jail?
Organized Crime.
Have you heard about the sensitive burglar?
He takes things personally.
What do you call it when you're too hungry to sleep?
Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia.
What's the problem with dyslexic zombies?
Nothing, unless your name is Brian.
What do you call a dinosaur that can't get itself together?
A tyrannosaurus wreck.
What did the doctor tell the patient who was afraid of squirrels?
He thought his patient must be nuts.
Where do jungle animals go for help quitting a bad habit?
A hypnopotamus.
How do crazy people find their way out of a forest?
They take a psychopath.
Did you hear about the book on Stockholm Syndrome?
It's painful in the beginning, but you'll end up loving it.
Did you hear about the woman whose OCD compels her to set the table according to her guests' political views?
It's a serious dish order.
How can you make gambling addicts call for the help they need?
Make every fifth call a winner.
What do you say to someone who steals your anti-depressants?
I hope you're happy.
Why is boyfriend one word and best friend two words?
Because your best friend gives you a little space when you need it.
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Look, a bunny!