If you cross bees with cows, that’s all you can have on a farm. Why is that?
There’s no good reason. It’s just bee cows.
Because their horns don’t work.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why did the cow roll over onto his back?
To get to the udder side.
With a cowculator.
They had real beef.
What do you call it when you see the same cow twice?
Deja moo.
What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?
It’s pasture bedtime!
What do you call it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak-out.
What do you get if you cross a cow and rooster?
Roost beef.
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow?
It is either one or the udder.
Did you hear about the rancher who had 97 cows in his field?
When he rounded them up, he had 100.
What sound do you hear when a cow breaks the sound barrier?
CowBOOM!
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
Where do cows like to go on a date?
To mooooovies.
Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?
Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
To bock traffic.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn't chicken.
What kind of chicken is the funniest?
A comedi-hen.
Why did Mozart hate all of his chickens?
When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
Why did they close down the dating service for chickens?
They were struggling to make hens meet.
What do you call a chicken that haunts your house?
A poultrygeist.
Why don’t chickens play sports?
They're always being called for fowls.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bawking Dead.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
How are wicked chickens born?
From deviled eggs.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
Did you hear about the haunted chicken coop?
It had a poultrygeist.
How can you tell if a chicken’s the boss?
There's a pecking order.
Why are piggy banks so smart?
Because they’re filled with common cents.
What is a pig's favorite karate move?
A pork chop.
How did the pig get to the hospital?
In a hambulance.
Why did the pigeon get thrown in federal prison?
He was staging a coo.
Did you hear the one about the French little piggy?
He cried oui oui oui all the way home.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig.
Why should you never trust a pig with a secret?
Because it's bound to squeal.
What are the pigs warned to be wary of in New York?
Pork pockets.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him.
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
Where did the cow get his fancy wooden furniture?
From a cattle log.
Why don't cattle ranchers work in the mountains?
The steaks are too high.
What’s a cat’s favorite color?
Purrple.
How many archaeologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One team, but they’ll label every piece of the old one, mark its location in the room, and write a detailed description before determining that it was used to store cornmeal.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog. It croaks every night.
Where do ghosts go on vacation?
Lake Erie.
Why the the doofus talk to his door when he was locked out?
He heard communication was the key.
What is a caterpillar's worst frenemy?
A dogapillar.
Where do cats write notes?
Scratch paper.
Why do the cows come home when the coffee is ready?
It’s a classic case of the pot calling the cattle back.
Why is it tough to play poker with cattle farmers?
They're always raising the steaks.
What do you call twin kittens?
Dupli-cats.
What kind of dog loves the salon?
A Shampoodle.
Why don't blind people skydive?
Because it’s really scary for their seeing-eye dog.
What kind of dog gets sad when he eats cantaloupe?
Melon Collie.
What do you get if you cross an agnostic, an insomniac, and a dyslexic?
Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Why did the ducks in the park attack a dog?
They heard he was pure bread.
Where can you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
What kind of dog did the magician adopt?
A labracadabrador.
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon?
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
Why did the ducks at the park always attack the little brown puppy?
He was a pure bread dog.
What do you call a dog that’s been run over by a steamroller?
Spot.
Why do dogs float in water?
Because they are good buoys.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
They have two left feet.
What kind of dog can find anything?
A labragoogle.
What do you risk by taking care of too many dogs?
Roverdosing.
When is it absolutely justified to look out for number one?
When your dog isn't house trained.
What is a caterpillar's worst frenemy?
A dogapillar.
What do you do when your dog chases someone on a bike?
Take his bike away.
What was the problem with the blacksmith's dog?
Every time the blacksmith left, the dog made a bolt for the door.
What's the worst thing about raining cats and dogs?
When someone steps in a poodle.
What kind of dog does a vampire like?
A bloodhound.
What's got four legs and one arm?
A good guard dog.
Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?
Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.
What do turtles do on their birthday?
Shellibrate.
What did the snail who was riding on the turtle’s back say?
Wheeeee!
What kind of math to they teach to farm animals?
Cowculus.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
Becaaauuwwwse!
Why did the deer refuse to smile?
He was ashamed of his buck teeth.
What do you call a grammatically incorrect horse?
An horse.
What do you call the King’s one rabbit?
The true hare to the throne.
Why does a tiger have stripes?
They prefer not to be spotted.
What do you call a dancing lamb?
A baaaaaaalerina.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish.
What is the most expensive fish to swim with?
A shark. It can cost an arm and a leg.
What do you call an eagle who can play the piano?
Talonted.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump.
Why are penguins socially awkward?
Because they can’t break the ice.
What’s the worst thing about cleaning out a monkey's bathroom?
The mess is absolutely bananas.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They have the same middle name.
What do you call a bear with no ears?
B.
Why don't tigers eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Why does an octopus laugh a lot?
Because it always has ten tickles.
What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?
A penguin falling down the stairs
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
What’s the difference between an old bus station and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
How can you find out what killed a cute kitten?
Perform an Awwww-topsy.
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a cod, any cod.
What did the leopard say to the chef after dinner?
He said, "That really hit the spots."
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
What did the buffalo say when he dropped his little boy off at school?
Bison!
Is a snail faster without a shell?
No, without a shell, a snail is very sluggish.
What did the duck say to the lady at the lipstick counter?
Put it on my bill.
Why did the ducks in the park attack a dog?
They heard he was pure bread.
What do you call a duck that gets good grades?
A wise quacker.
Why did the ducks at the park always attack the little brown puppy?
He was a pure bread dog.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
What time do industrious duck wake up?
At the quack of dawn.
What sound does a subatomic duck make?
Quark.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.
What time is it when an elephant sits on your breakfast table?
Time to get a new breakfast table.
How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
You’ll find footprints in the cheesecake.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Elifino.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they fly over the bay, they'd be bagels.
What do you call a row of bunnies moving backwards?
A receding hare line.
What did the fish say when he hit a wall?
Dam!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What did one fish say to the other fish in the fish tank?
How do we drive this thing?
How did the doofus break his leg while ice fishing?
He was hit by a zamboni.
What did the fisherman say on Halloween?
Trick or trout!
Why do some fish swim alone?
The dropped out of school.
What part of the fish weighs the most?
The scales.
How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, if it's an ordinary light bulb. But dang, you should have seen the size of the light bulb that got away!
What do you call an operation to remove all of the fish from a body of water?
A deficiency.
Why is the ocean embarrassed?
Because all of the fish can see its bare bottom.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish.
What do you call a fish with no legs?
A fish
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
Sofishticated.
What do spiders like to do at the river?
Fly fishing.
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fish.
What do you call a fish with two knees?
A two knee fish.
Did you hear what happened when two silkworms had a race?
It all ended up in a tie.
What’s worse than finding a worm when you bite into your apple?
Finding half a worm.
Did you hear about the guy who tried to get a bunch of crows together?
He was arrested for attempted murder.
What do you call birds that stick together?
Velcrows.
Who do you call if you need a really big boat to move two of every animal?
I Noah guy.
Where do horses like to live?
In a nice neighborhood.
What do you call a group of killer whales that play instruments?
An orca-stra.
Where do sheep get a haircut?
At the baa baa shop.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
How come you don't park on frog road?
Your car might be toad.
What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open toad.
What do frogs eat with a cheeseburger?
French flies.
What did the skunk say when the wind changed?
It’s all coming back to me now.
What do you call a meditating wolf?
Aware wolf.
What do you call a rabbit that is really cool?
A hip hopper.
Carefully.
What do you do if someone tells you to stop impersonating a flamingo?
You put your foot down.
How do you keep a bull from charging?
Take away its credit card.
Why is a snake difficult to fool?
Try as you might, you just can’t pull its leg.
What kind of socks do grizzlies wear?
None, they have bear feet.
What do you get when you cross a snail with a porcupine?
A slowpoke.
What’s the difference between a rabbit and a plum?
They’re both purple except for the rabbit.
Why do sharks live in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.
What kind of lion doesn't roar?
A dandelion.
What happened when the skunk was on trial?
The judge declared, "Odor in the court!"
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
Why did the grizzly get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear faced lyre.
What does a hamster have in common with a cigarette?
They’re harmless, unless you stick ’em in your mouth and light them on fire.
What do you call a dead polar bear?
Call it anything you want, it can’t hear you now.
What does a pig put on a sunburn?
Oinkment.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colors?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What do you call a bunch of sheep rolling down a hill?
A lamb slide.
Why is it so tempting to sing the chorus of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"?
It's a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
What do you call a cat teacher?
A purrfessor.
Why was the pet store just giving away their legless birds?
There was no perches necessary.
If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
K9P.
What's something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
Why is a joke like a frog?
If you dissect it, it doesn't work any more.
When Noah was loading the Ark, where did he put the bees?
In the Ark-hives.
Did you hear the one about the shepherd who drove his flock back and forth through town?
He was given a ticket for making an illegal ewe turn.
Why did the British possum cross the road?
To see his flat mates.
Did you hear about that amazing frog documentary?
I couldn't take my eyes off it. It was ribbeting.
Why do polar bears have such hairy coats?
It's fur protection.
What do you need when your bunny gets wet?
A hare dryer.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
When will the little snake arrive?
I don't know, but it won't be long.
Who are the best mimics in the ocean?
Orcas. They do a killer whale impression.
Why are frogs always so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
What did Tigger tell his tiger friends when he brought Winnie the Pooh to a party?
Bear with me.
What's the difference between a moose and an ant?
A moose has antlers, but an ant doesn't have mooselers.
How do sheep move to a new house?
With a ewe haul.
Why can't eagles mate with eels?
That's eel eagle.
Did you hear about the little boy who went to the hospital after eating fifteen toy horses?
It's ok. He's in stable condition.
What do you call an amphibian in hiding?
Incognitoad.
Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He liked a well-balanced meal.
Why do people want a chicken-proof lawn?
They're impeccable.
Why should sneaky people wear leather?
It's literally made of hide.
Which hand would you use to pick up a dangerous snake?
Someone else's.
What's a baby sheep's favorite car?
A Lamborghini.
Why don't rabbits live very long?
They're on burrowed tiime.
What does the Easter Bunny order at the coffee shop?
Egg-spresso.
What kind of jewelry does the Easter Bunny wear?
14-carrot gold.
How do you hold a rabbit still?
With hare spray.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
How does a penguin build his house?
Igloos it together.
What did the farmer give his wife for Valentine's Day?
He gave her a great big hog.
Why don't dogs tell other people's stories?
They're just always chasing their own tale.
What do you call a pig thief?
A ham burglar.
What do you call two cats tied together?
An octopus.
What's the problem with elephant poaching?
Everyone knows they're best when they're grilled.
What do you get when you cross a cute little bunny and a mean old fox?
A mean old fox.
Why don't they tell jokes about sick horses?
They're lame.
What do you call a reptile in Australia?
The Lizard of Oz.
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in mud, and cross back?
Because he was a dirty double crosser.
Why don't human beings hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Doggie paddle.
What’s a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse?
Catch.
What does a quantum frog say?
Quibit.
What did the doctor tell the patient who was afraid of squirrels?
He thought his patient must be nuts.
Where do jungle animals go for help quitting a bad habit?
A hypnopotamus.
What does a fish say after voicing its opinion?
Let minnow what you think.
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What did the police find at the scene of the aquarium accident?
Squid marks.
What do you call a group of Ocelots?
A wholelot.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
How do you identify a bald eagle?
All his feathers are combed over to one side.
What do you call a hippopotamus who rejects modern medicine until he's deathly ill?
Hippo critical.
Where do you take a sick horse?
To a horspital.
How do hens wake up so early in the morning?
They set an alarm cluck.
Why was the deer afraid to talk to his boss?
There was a sign on his desk that said "The Buck Stops here".
What is the proper official call when a golfer attempts to retrieve a ball from an alligator’s mouth?
An ambulance.
What is the dumbest animal in the jungle?
A polar bear.
What do you call a well dressed jungle cat?
A dandy lion.
What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are two dollars, but deer nuts are under a buck.
Why are fish always swimming in schools?
Because they can never get above C level.
Why do otters build rockets?
To get to otter space.
Why did the turtle lose the jousting competition?
He was a slow poke.
Where does the bear army store its weapons?
In the bearracks.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
Three Blind Mice.
How do police identify the prime suspect in a cat burglary?
They look for the purr-petrator.
If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on?
Their paws.
Why aren’t koalas considered bears?
They don’t have the right koala-fications.
What do you call a fake goldfish?
A dekoi.
Where do shrimp sell their collectables?
At a prawn shop.
How do fish get to the hospital?
In a clam-bulance.
What is a fish's favorite game?
Salmon says.
How do fish stay so healthy?
They take plenty of vitamin sea.
What do fish sing during winter?
Christmas corals.
Who held the baby octopus for ransom?
Squidnappers.
How do you find out if your significant other loves you as much as your dog does?
Lock both in the trunk of your car for an hour and see who's happier to see you afterward.
Did you hear about the tropical birds who got stuck together?
I can't explain it. It's toucan-fusing.
What do you call a snake that works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What do you get when you put pennies on a buffalo's hooves?
Buffaloafers.
What do you get when you cross a polar bear and a seal?
A polar bear.
Where does the three legged horse live?
The unstable.
Why are snakes so hard to fool?
You can't pull their legs.
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
So he could get a long little doggy.
How do foxes turn into hippos?
They get married.
Did you hear how ancient South American owls used to carefully harmonize?
The were Inca hoots.
How did Noah choose which two animals to take with him?
He was looking for the Arky types.
What do you call a bunny with a tight grip?
A grabbit.
What did they do before the invention of the crowbar?
The just drank in the nest.
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhinocerous?
Eliphino.
Did you hear about the dog who went to the flea circus?
He stole the show.
What do you call a pigeon with four feet?
A stool pigeon.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Did you know that fish can breakdance?
Only for about a minute, though. And only once.
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A wooly jumper.
What do you call a Hawaiian parrot with a cold?
A polly sneezin'.
Why can't guilt or innocence be legally determined by cats?
Too much risk of purrjury.
Why do birds fly south in the winter?
It’s way too far to walk.
Why should you not challenge someone with bird puns?
Toucan play at that game.
What position does a crab play in baseball?
Pinch hitter.
What did the farmer say when asked how long cows should be milked?
You milk them the same amount of time as the short cows.
What's special about toast at the zoo?
It was bread in captivity.
Why shouldn't you go to a stable for a confidence boost?
That place is filled with neigh sayers.
What do you get when you mix a aooster, a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost?
Cocker-poodle BOO!
True or false: humans eat more bananas than monkeys?
True! Humans eat very few monkeys.
Why do cats always get their way?
Because they’re purr-suasive.
Why did the doofus laugh when a women yelled out, "Help! Shark!"
He knew the shark was definitely not going to help that woman.
What is the most condescending bear?
A pan... DUH!
How do cows make themselves pretty?
Cowsmetics.
How do you know when you’re eating rabbit stew?
You find a hare in it.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
What do you call it when fish are too old to have babies?
Minnow pause.
Why are pandas considered the most dangerous animals?
A panda eats shoots and leaves.
Where to cat divas go to the bathroom?
In a glitter box.
What do you say to a geneticist who mixes sheep and human DNA?
Ewe people scare me.
When do police get called to the rabbit salon?
When someone is having a bad hare day.
Why did Susan take her dog to the vet?
He said he was feeling ruff.
What do you call a polar bear on a tropical island?
Lost.
What do you call an aardvark that is three feet long?
A yaardvark.
Why don’t dogs make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
What's the difference between a duck and George Washington?
One has a bill on his face and one has his face on a bill.