What happened after the wheel was invented?
A revolution.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
He was a little shocked.
Why did the Pharaohs laugh when they farted at the same time?
They had their Tutankhamen.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They have the same middle name.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
Why did Rudolph have a bad report card?
Because he went down in History.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
Why couldn't the Founding Fathers get a date?
The ladies thought they were revolting.
What’s the most groundbreaking invention of all time?
The shovel.
April showers bring may flowers, but what do may flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
What do you say to the guy who invented zero?
Thanks for nothing.
Why did they call it the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What do you call a barbarian you can't see?
An Invisigoth.
What was the first potato in space?
Spudnik.
Why couldn't Mozart find his mentor?
Because he was Haydn.
How does Schrodinger apologise?
Sorry not sorry.
What do you call a wandering caveman?
A meanderthal.
Do you know who Quasimodo is?
Even if you don't, I'm sure he rings a bell.
What do you call a nose that can see into the future?
Nostrildamus.
What do you call a bashful piano composer that smokes?
Shycoughski
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
How did the Vikings send secret messages?
Norse Code.
Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?
He refused to lie.
Why did Van Gogh devote himself to painting?
He didn't have an ear for music.
What thinks the unthinkable?
An ithberg with a thpeech impediment.
What do you call an explosion in a french kitchen?
Linoleum Blownapart
What did Einstein say about the party?
He had a relatively good time.
Buzz Aldrin was the second man on the moon. Why do people find him so arrogant?
He frequently says, "Neil before me."
Did you hear how ancient South American owls used to carefully harmonize?
The were Inca hoots.
Did you read the review about the new Broadway show on the History of Language?
Turns out it's just a play on words.
What's the problem with a degree in history?
There's no future in it.
Why did the telegraph operators fall in love?
They just clicked.
Why couldn't Handel play his harpsichord?
Because it was baroque.
Why is it spelled 'cancelled' in the UK, but 'canceled' in the US?
Because the US gave the UK the L back in 1776.
What is the worst thing about Ancient History Class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.
What's the difference between a duck and George Washington?
One has a bill on his face and one has his face on a bill.
What was George Washington's least favorite breakfast?
Eggs Benedict Arnold.