Why didn’t the door trust the stairs?
The door was willing to be open, but the stairs were always up to something.
How did the wife know her husband was stealing from his job building roads?
She walked into their garage and all the signs were there.
Why did the man bring his crush to a volcano?
He was hoping she'd fall in lava with him.
Why are parallel lines so sad?
They have so much in common, but they'll never, ever meet.
How do you get a country girl’s attention?
A tractor.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, of course. Oceans can't talk. They just waved.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
Breathe you fool! Breathe!
What was the man’s favorite piece of furniture?
His recliner. They go way back together.
What happened to the husband who accidentally gave his wife a glue stick instead of her lip stick?
She still isn't talking to him.
Why should you never date an apostrophe?
They can be possessive.
Carefully.
What did the wife say when her husband replaced their bed with a trampoline?
She really hit the ceiling.
Why did the melons have a big wedding ceremony?
Because they cantaloupe.
Why are flowers friendly with each other in the Spring?
They're going to be buds.
What did Venus say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
When should you take a plum to dinner?
Only if you can’t find a date.
What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day?
It was loaf at first sight.
Which friends should you take to dinner?
All your taste buds.
Why don't you ever date a tennis player?
Because love means nothing to them.
Why couldn’t Luke Skywalker find love?
He was looking in Alderaan places.
Why did the capacitor kiss the diode?
He just couldn't resistor.
Why don't dentists get along with manicurists?
They fight tooth and nail.
Why don't people have weddings in the winter?
They're worried about someone getting cold feet.
What's the difference between a car tire and 365 love letters?
One's a Goodyear, one's a great year.
What did everyone say when Oxygen and Magnesium got married?
They were like, OMg!
Why did the British possum cross the road?
To see his flat mates.
Did you hear about the criminals who became friends when the warden mixed up their prison files?
The were so close that from then on they finished each others' sentences.
Why is it romantic to give someone a small abacus?
It's the little things that count.
Why did the cannibal leave dinner?
He was just fed up with everyone there.
Did you hear that 99% of people play scary pranks on their friends?
That's a frightening statistic.
Because the shore never waves back.
Why did the physicist break up with the biologist?
There was no chemistry.
How do geologists ask each other out?
They say, “Are you a carbon sample? Because I’d love to date you.”
Where did the sine and her cosine go?
They went off on a tangent.
How do you break up with a farmer?
Write a John Deere letter.
Why can't eagles mate with eels?
That's eel eagle.
How would you define a mistress?
Somewhere between a mister and a mattress.
What did the Nihilist whisper into his lover's ear?
Sweet Nothings.
What trees are the most faithful to their partners?
The ones that practice mahogany.
What did the man with the broken leg tell his Valentine?
I have a crutch on you.
Why did the dad approve of his daughter's goalie-boyfriend?
He was a real keeper.
Did you hear about the couple who went canoeing on their first date?
It was pretty row-mantic.
How can you save money on Valentine's gifts?
Be single.
What did the couple say after they were struck by Cupid's arrow?
Ouch!
What did the chef give to his wife on Valentine’s Day?
Just a little quiche.
What did one side of the toast say to the other?
You're my butter half.
What did the farmer give his wife for Valentine's Day?
He gave her a great big hog.
What kind of flowers should you not give on Valentine’s Day?
Cauliflowers.
How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
It gave her a ring.
What do you call a very small Valentine?
A Valentiny.
What do you call friends you listen to music with?
Earbuds.
Where do cows like to go on a date?
To mooooovies.
Why was that man twisting the wedding ring on his finger?
He was trying to figure out the combination.
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?
There was no chemistry between them.
Who might you meet on a dating site for roofers?
All the shingle ladies.
What do you call podiatrists who hate each other?
Arch enemies.
What did the husband tell his wife when he found the letters she was hiding, and realized she was cheating?
He said, "I'm never playing Scrabble with you again."
How do tightrope walkers meet their romantic partners?
Online dating.
Why should you never laugh at your spouse’s choices?
You're one of them.
How are relationships like algebra?
Because you look at an X and wonder Y.
How do you find out if your significant other loves you as much as your dog does?
Lock both in the trunk of your car for an hour and see who's happier to see you afterward.
When is it a bad thing to meet your wife on a vacation?
When you told her you were traveling for business.
Why don't professional fighters have sex the night before a big fight?
Most of the time they just don't like each other very much.
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
A husband is less likely to get killed by an iron for yelling "Iron Man" at home.
What's the best way to get over someone who's broken your heart.
A steamroller.
How do foxes turn into hippos?
They get married.
What's the worst thing your spouse can say while you are making love?
Honey, I'm home!
Why is losing one sock so bad for the other sock?
It's tragic to be separated from your sole mate.
Why did the telegraph operators fall in love?
They just clicked.
What did the man think when his wife cheated on him with their deaf neighbor.
Honestly, he thought he should have seen the signs.
What's the difference between a romantic comedy and a horror movie?
In a romantic comedy, people die on the inside.
Why did the doofus and his girlfriend eat their pizza while standing on the box?
It said "best consumed by date on package".
Why is boyfriend one word and best friend two words?
Because your best friend gives you a little space when you need it.
Why was the woman confused when the doctor said he needed to see her X-Ray?
She had never dated anyone named Ray.
Why did the farmer's wife leave him?
He was always picking up chicks.
Why was the retiree’s wife tired?
She got twice as much husband for half the pay.