Did you hear about the one-legged man at the bank?
He was checking his balance.
Guess who grandma bumped into on the way to the eyeglasses store?
Everybody.
Why are cross-eyed teachers so bad?
They can’t control their pupils.
Why don't blind people skydive?
Because it’s really scary for their seeing-eye dog.
What do you call a dinosaur with bad vision?
Do-you-think-he-sarus.
Did you hear about the woman who was diagnosed with color-blindness?
The diagnosis surprised her. It really came right out of the purple.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a bear with no ears?
B.
Why don't people call the tinnitus help line?
It just keeps ringing and ringing.
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.
Why do pirates wear an eye patch?
Because there is only one I in pirate.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you get if you cross an agnostic, an insomniac, and a dyslexic?
Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Why did the man fall into the watering hole?
Because he could not see that well.
Did you hear about the dyslexic man who wanted to create beautiful poetry?
He made three vases and a bowl.
Why did the hard-of-hearing man forbid his children from going to the symphony?
He heard there would be a lot of sax and violins.
Where do pirates get their hooks?
Second-hand stores.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colors?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
Hop in.
Why was the pet store just giving away their legless birds?
There was no perches necessary.
Did you hear about the constipated dyslexic?
He had trouble moving his elbows.
Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?
Neither did he.
What thinks the unthinkable?
An ithberg with a thpeech impediment.
How did the man describe the symptoms when asked about his hearing loss?
It's a funny animated show about yellow people.
What's the problem with dyslexic zombies?
Nothing, unless your name is Brian.
How do you get a one-armed doofus out of a tree?
Wave to him.
What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Forgetfulness and diarrhea. You’re running, but you don't know where and can’t remember why.
What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A rookie.
Where does the three legged horse live?
The unstable.
Where can you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Have you heard of the blind Cyclops brothers?
Neither have eye.
What do you get when you cross the Titanic with a speech impediment?
Something unthinkable.
What did the man think when his wife cheated on him with their deaf neighbor.
Honestly, he thought he should have seen the signs.
Did you hear about the woman whose OCD compels her to set the table according to her guests' political views?
It's a serious dish order.
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon?
“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”