Why can't a Tyrannosaurus Rex clap?
Because they're all dead.
What do you call a dog that’s been run over by a steamroller?
Spot.
Why are cross-eyed teachers so bad?
They can’t control their pupils.
What's green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it could kill you.
A pool table.
Why don't blind people skydive?
Because it’s really scary for their seeing-eye dog.
How do you make an artichoke?
You strangle it.
Why didn't the pirate shower before he had to walk the plank?
He knew he'd be washing up on shore later.
What do you call a retired vegetable?
A has bean.
Did you hear about the pun that walked into a room and killed ten people?
Pun in, ten dead.
Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents were in a jam.
How can you find out what killed a cute kitten?
Perform an Awwww-topsy.
Why are glass coffins popular?
Remains to be seen.
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he hits the windshield of a car?
His backside.
Do you really need a parachute to go skydiving?
No. You only need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Did you hear about Han Solo's barbeque?
The meat was chewy.
What does a hamster have in common with a cigarette?
They’re harmless, unless you stick ’em in your mouth and light them on fire.
What do you call a dead polar bear?
Call it anything you want, it can’t hear you now.
Why is a joke like a frog?
If you dissect it, it doesn't work any more.
What do you call it when Wonder Woman does too many drugs?
Heroine overdose.
What is the hardest part about sky diving?
The ground.
Why did the cannibal leave dinner?
He was just fed up with everyone there.
Why did Van Gogh devote himself to painting?
He didn't have an ear for music.
How do you get a one-armed doofus out of a tree?
Wave to him.
What's the problem with elephant poaching?
Everyone knows they're best when they're grilled.
What do you get when you cross a cute little bunny and a mean old fox?
A mean old fox.
How do you kill a doofus?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
What should you do if people make you sick?
Cook them longer.
What's the best way to get over someone who's broken your heart.
A steamroller.