What do you call 12 people doing the work of one?
A committee.
Why was the archeologist depressed?
His whole career was in ruins.
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
What does a lawyer wear to work?
A law suit.
Why did the woman only get sick on work days?
She blamed it on her weekend immune system.
Why are spiders great web developers?
They like finding bugs.
Why are cross-eyed teachers so bad?
They can’t control their pupils.
Why did the best taxi driver get fired?
He was always going the extra mile.
Why did the girl want a job in a mirror factory?
It was something she could totally see herself doing.
Why was the zombie stressed at work?
His project had a really tight undeadline.
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
He made a mint.
What does a snowman do on his day off?
Not much. He just chills.
How do you get fired from a weight lifting job?
You get a too weak notice.
Why did the burglar crawl into his own window?
He was working from home that day.
Why did the painter always prefer his step ladder?
He never really knew his real ladder.
What does a Taxidermist do?
Stuff.
How did the barber win the race?
He knew a shortcut.
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
He was outstanding in his field.
What's the problem with modern, paperless offices?
Nothing, until you have to go to the bathroom.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
How do some people cut a piece of wood just by looking at it?
I don’t know, but they swear they saw it with their own eyes.
Did you know you can get paid for sleeping?
It’s dream job.
Why can’t you tell jokes about unemployed people?
None of them work.
Why did the man get fired from the calendar factory?
He took a day off.
Why is it hard to understand volunteers?
Because they make no cents.
How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
This topic was resumed from last week’s discussion, but some action items need to be discussed offline. The board will circle back to it next week.
Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?
To make ends meat.
Why did the dolphin hunter quit his job?
He felt it was defeating the porpoise.
Why did she quit her job at the helium factory?
She simply refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
How is Christmas like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Why did the accountant commit herself to a mental hospital?
She started hearing invoices in her head.
Why was the man fired from the pasta factory?
He made a fusilli errors.
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.
Did you hear about the lumberjack who cut down exactly 9,999 trees?
He kept a log.
What's the problem with perforated paper?
It's just tearable.
Did you hear about the guy who made pizzas for extra cash?
He kneaded the dough.
How can you tell a plumber from a chemist?
Ask them to pronounce unionized.
How does a mechanic's day get started?
He wakes up oily in the morning.
What's worse than a two hour commute to get to work?
The eight hour wait to go home.
How does a penman make his living?
He charges a calligra-fee.
Where do electricians get supplies?
The Ohm Depot.
How many government employees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer pending. They have formed a task force to study the problem.
How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?
They might report that the room is dark, but that's as far as that goes.
Why did Joe decide to become a politician?
He wanted to make a difference in the world, but he didn't want to do any actual work.
Did you hear about the surgeon who was tasked with emergency surgery on an insect?
He did it on the fly.
What do you call a person who is happy on Monday?
Retired.
What do you call a soldier filling in for the day?
A submarine.
Why don’t people play basketball with garbagemen?
They're always talking trash.
Why was the computer late for work?
It's a hard drive.
When should employees practice packing up their desk?
During a fired drill.
What is the easiest way to ruin a Friday?
Finding out it's actually Monday.
What do you call a father when he's doing chores?
A do-dad.
Why was the deer afraid to talk to his boss?
There was a sign on his desk that said "The Buck Stops here".
What does it mean if you work hard and don't get anything for it?
Someone else did.
Why couldn't the taxidermist finish anything he started?
Because he kept getting side tracked by pet projects.