What does a pig put on a sunburn?
Oinkment.
What do you call the wizard who fell down the stairs?
Tumbledore.
How did the doofus break his arm while raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree.
Did you hear about the chef who injured himself cutting cheese?
He felt grate when it happened.
Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peek-a-boo accident?
To the I.C.U.
Would you rather get hit in the head with a can of beer or a can of cola?
Cola. It's a soft drink.
Did you hear about the little boy who went to the hospital after eating fifteen toy horses?
It's ok. He's in stable condition.
Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He liked a well-balanced meal.
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was 3 feet deep, on average.
Why doesn't the Hulk tell jokes?
Nobody would survive the punch line.
How do you get a one-armed doofus out of a tree?
Wave to him.
What did the man with the broken leg tell his Valentine?
I have a crutch on you.
What did the couple say after they were struck by Cupid's arrow?
Ouch!
What did the doctor tell the woman who broke her arm in two places?
Stop going to those places.
What do you call a soldier who survived pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran.
If toast gets stuck in the toaster, is it ok to pry it out with a butter knife?
The answer may shock you.
What do you call a dog that’s been run over by a steamroller?
Spot.
Did you read that book about falling down the stairs?
It’s a step by step guide.
What's green and fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it could kill you.
A pool table.
Did you hear about the square that got into a car accident?
Now he’s a rect-angle.
How did the cool guy drown?
He fell into the mainstream.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
He was a little shocked.
How do you make an artichoke?
You strangle it.
Why was the librarian embarrassed when he was hurt by falling books?
It was a shelf-inflicted wound.
Why didn't the pirate shower before he had to walk the plank?
He knew he'd be washing up on shore later.
What happens when a strawberry gets hit by a car?
Traffic jam.
Did you hear about the pun that walked into a room and killed ten people?
Pun in, ten dead.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank the coffee before it was cool.
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when he hits the windshield of a car?
His backside.
What did the grape say when it was squished?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine.
Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
Did you hear about the guy who fell onto an upholstery machine?
It’s ok. He’s fully recovered.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
Why did the girl's enemy sign her cast?
She wanted to add insult to injury.
Did you hear about the guy convicted of killing another man with sandpaper?
He only intended to rough him up a bit.
What happened to the guy who fell into a lens-grinding machine?
He made a spectacle of himself.
What do you tell someone who won't go get stitches?
Suture self.
What is the proper official call when a golfer attempts to retrieve a ball from an alligator’s mouth?
An ambulance.
What was so awful about the clock's hockey game?
There was a face off in the corner.
What happened when someone threw a bottle of omega-3 vitamins?
The injuries were super fish oil.
Did you hear about the guy who fell off the merry-go-round?
He's in fair condition.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
Darn it! Foiled again!