Why are sad people silent at a Mexican restaurant?
They probably don't want to taco bout it.
Why didn't people like the restaurant on the moon?
The food was fine, but there was no atmosphere.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
What's brown and invisible?
No chocolate.
Why don't cattle ranchers work in the mountains?
The steaks are too high.
What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?
A desserter.
What do you call grapes playing the guitar?
A jam session.
What’s the difference between a booger and broccoli?
Kids won’t eat broccoli.
Why did the ham sandwich walk away from the coffee shop in tears?
It saw a sign saying they didn’t serve food.
If toast gets stuck in the toaster, is it ok to pry it out with a butter knife?
The answer may shock you.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
He made a mint.
What do unicorns call their dads?
Pop corns.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
Did you hear about the man who implanted a chip in his body to stop hunger?
In fact, he implanted a whole bag of chips.
Why did the teddy bear stop eating?
He was stuffed.
Where do hamburgers and hot dogs go dancing?
The meat ball.
What kind of cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
What can you put into the world's most delicious piece of cake in order to make it even better?
Your teeth.
Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is there.
How do you turn soup into gold?
You add twenty-four carrots.
Why were the pancakes and eggs afraid of the new breakfast meat?
They'd never sausage a thing.
What do you call a retired vegetable?
A has bean.
What did the leopard say to the chef after dinner?
He said, "That really hit the spots."
Where do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
Did you hear the rumor about rotten butter?
Never mind, we shouldn't be spreading it.
Why won't your friends share the cheese at a Mexican restauarant?
It's nacho cheese.
What did the bunny say to the carrot?
It’s been nice gnawing you.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
What's green and tastes like a chocolate chip cookie?
A chocolate chip cookie. The green part was a lie.
7 likes 3 square meals.
Why don't you tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing. They fast.
What did the nosy pepper do?
He got jalapeño business.
Why did the tomato turn bright red?
It saw the salad dressing.
Why shouldn’t you eat clocks?
It can be very time consuming.
Why should you knock on the refrigerator door?
In case there’s salad dressing in there.
What’s worse than finding a worm when you bite into your apple?
Finding half a worm.
Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?
Yes, if you throw it hard enough.
Why did the apple and orange go get ice cream alone?
Because the banana split.
What happens when a strawberry gets hit by a car?
Traffic jam.
Why did the woman switch the labels on the spice rack?
She was afraid that the thyme was cumin.
What do you call Chewbacca with cookies in its fur?
A chocolate-chip Wookie.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romainder.
Why do you need to be careful with a bowl of alphabet soup?
It could spell disaster.
Why did the Oreo wafer go to the dentist?
He needed a filling.
What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What do frogs eat with a cheeseburger?
French flies.
What do you call a sad coffee?
Depresso.
What’s a piece of bread’s least favorite chore?
Doing a loaf of laundry.
Why did the melons have a big wedding ceremony?
Because they cantaloupe.
What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?
Yellow!
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Yogurt go to the Yogurt day care?
To get a little culture.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Some kids don't like to eat broccoli.
What state serves the smallest beverages?
Minnesota.
What’s the easiest way to burn 1,000 calories?
Leave the pizza in the oven.
What’s the difference between a rabbit and a plum?
They’re both purple except for the rabbit.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
What do you call someone who doesn’t like bread?
Lack-Toast Intolerant.
What’s a potato’s favorite form of transportation?
The gravy train.
Why did the woman date a mushroom?
Because he was a fungi.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
Ca-shew!
What’s an avocado’s favorite kind of music?
Guac and roll.
When should you take a plum to dinner?
Only if you can’t find a date.
Why do sharks live in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
What is the opposite of a croissant?
A happy uncle.
What do call a mac ‘n’ cheese that gets all up in your face?
Too close for comfort food.
What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day?
It was loaf at first sight.
What did one Dorito farmer say to the other?
Cool Ranch!
What was Sherlock Holmes’ favorite school lunch?
Mystery meat.
What kind of bread do zombies like?
Whole brain bread.
How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
All the jelly has been sucked out of the doughnuts.
When potatoes have babies, what are they called?
Tater tots.
What made the great carrot detective so famous?
He could get to the root of the case.
Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Dill with it.
What was the gingerbread man's favorite blanket?
It was a cookie sheet.
What’s small and red and has a rough voice?
A hoarse radish.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
Which friends should you take to dinner?
All your taste buds.
Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?
To make ends meat.
How do you measure the weight of crackers?
In grahams.
Where do apes go to get their fast food?
Burger Kong.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
What did the bully want for lunch?
He was definitely asking for a knuckle sandwich.
Iceburgers.
How does a scientist freshen her breath?
With experi-mints.
Did you hear about Han Solo's barbeque?
The meat was chewy.
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters.
What sickness is caused by eating Christmas trees?
Tinselitis.
What do vegans all over the world want?
Peas! When do we want it? Now!
Who is Bruce Lee’s vegan brother?
Brocco Lee.
What do you call a train that eats too much?
A chew-chew train.
What's it called when the bottom half of a fraction is made out of cake?
A de-nom-nom-nom-inator.
Why was the man fired from the pasta factory?
He made a fusilli errors.
Why did the vulture get kicked off the flight?
He brought the wrong carrion.
What did one nut say as he chased another nut?
I'm a cashew!
Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?
The business is toast.
What did the woman say when a man threw milk at her?
How dairy!
What happens when you eat ten cans of alphabet soup?
You can expect a massive vowel movement.
Why did the woman delay her diet plans?
She had too much on her plate right now.
What do you call cheese by itself?
Provolone.
Did you hear about the chef who injured himself cutting cheese?
He felt grate when it happened.
Why did the cannibal leave dinner?
He was just fed up with everyone there.
A Tic Tac toe.
Did you hear about the guy who made pizzas for extra cash?
He kneaded the dough.
What is orange and red and full of disappointment?
High school lunch pizza.
Why are frogs always so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
Why does a burger have less energy than a steak?
A burger is in its ground state.
Why can't you buy a bagel with cream cheese?
Because folks usually prefer cash or credit.
Why is the dieting advice to “eat light” so dangerous?
That’s how you become a black hole.
What do trees put on salad?
Branch dressing.
What does orange juice watch on movie night?
Pulp fiction.
Why is dropping a thanksgiving meal like an international incident?
It includes the fall of Turkey, the breakup of China, and Hungary people in revolt.
Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
He liked a well-balanced meal.
What’s the difference between black-eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song. Chickpeas can hummus one.
What do you call it when you're too hungry to sleep?
Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia.
Did you hear the story about the sugarless jelly beans?
It's bitterweet.
What's the difference between jelly and jam?
When the printer has a paper jelly, it's a mess.
What was Sherlock Holmes’ favorite supper?
Mystery meat.
What did the chef give to his wife on Valentine’s Day?
Just a little quiche.
What did one side of the toast say to the other?
You're my butter half.
What kind of flowers should you not give on Valentine’s Day?
Cauliflowers.
What do redheads use to make sandwiches?
Ginger bread.
Why should you never accept free tuna?
It's fishy.
What's the problem with elephant poaching?
Everyone knows they're best when they're grilled.
What did the Maki say to the Nigiri?
Wasabi!
What is a pig's favorite karate move?
A pork chop.
What's a Jawa's favorite kind of pasta?
Rotini!
What happens when you eat too many Navy beans?
You end up with a dishonorable discharge.
What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are two dollars, but deer nuts are under a buck.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
If you mash potatoes you don't need to call a doctor.
What’s red and invisible?
No ketchup.
What do PHD students eat when they're hungry?
Academia nuts.
What is a zombie's favorite part of dinner?
When they rise from the gravy.
Why does fresh juice have a hard time in school?
It can't concentrate.
How do you know if your family can't count calories?
You probably have the figures to prove it.
What should you do if people make you sick?
Cook them longer.
What kind of lunch meat goes into your boots?
Below knee.
What do you call a mathematician who can't afford lunch?
A binomial.
What do you call the daughter of a hamburger?
Patty.
What happens when you swallow food coloring?
You dye a little on the inside.
Why do hockey players always make terrible birthday cakes?
Because icing is not allowed.
What's the most boring cut of meat?
Filet Minyawn.
Why did the doofus dislike M&M candies?
They were too hard to peel.
If your kid refuses to eat fish, what's a good alternative?
Cats. Cats love fish.
Where does lonely soup go?
To a brothel.
What's the worry when you're poked by a head of lettuce?
It's just the tip of the iceburg.
Did you hear about the guy who died from eating too many doughnuts?
He went out in a glaze of glory.
Because his mother was a wafer so long.
How do you make a neato burrito?
With cool beans.
Who is behind the great cheese conspiracy?
The hallouminati.
What do you call vegan seafood?
Artifishal.
What happened when someone threw a bottle of omega-3 vitamins?
The injuries were super fish oil.
What do you call a shy hamburger restaurant?
MeekDonalds.
Have you heard about the pasta diet?
You walk pasta donut. You walk pasta bag of chips. You walk pasta bowl of ice cream. And so on.
Why did the doofus and his girlfriend eat their pizza while standing on the box?
It said "best consumed by date on package".
Why should you never buy from a constipated baker?
Because they've been kneading a poo.
What's special about toast at the zoo?
It was bread in captivity.
What do you call a red-headed baker?
A ginger bread man.
He saw the apple turnover.
True or false: humans eat more bananas than monkeys?
True! Humans eat very few monkeys.
Did you hear about the guy who smelled something funny at the Indian restaurant?
It was naan scents.
How do you know when you’re eating rabbit stew?
You find a hare in it.
What do you get when you rub two oranges together?
Pulp Friction.
What happened with 30 got hungry?
38.
What vegetable is cool, but only sort of cool?
A radish.