Why are chemists so frequently drunk?
They regard alcohol as a solution.
What do you get when you mix 9th grade literature with alcohol?
Tequila mockingbird.
Why do pilots drink before flights?
The cockpit doesn't have a cup holder.
Why was the tavern always so clean?
It was a bar of soap.
What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
The caterer.
Did you hear about the woman trapped in a vat of top-shelf bourbon?
Apparently she's in good spirits.
Why did the doofus serve drinks on a mountain?
He wanted to set the bar high.
Have you heard about the custom of spending each day in Cuba drinking ten mojitos?
It's the hemming way.
What did they do before the invention of the crowbar?
The just drank in the nest.
Why did the doofus keep empty bottles in the refrigerator?
For friends that don't drink.
What did the grape say when it was squished?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine.
What's the worst thing about being drunk?
Ask a glass of water.
Did you hear about the drunk microphone guy?
He had one two one two one two many.
Why did uncle Francis wear a beer mug to the costume party?
He wanted to dress as Frank in Stein.
How much is a pint of adenosine triphosphate in a British pub?
80p.